One of the most important tools in dealing with conflicts is to improve the way in which we communicate with one another.

For one thing, to become a better communicator, you must become a better listener. All too often, when a conflict occurs, it becomes a race to see who can get their points out first.

When you stop and listen to what the other person has to say, without interrupting them, not only can you clarify the other person's thoughts and feelings, but you will also have an opportunity to say what you think and feel.

Unfortunately, this is where some people run into problems. When expressing your thoughts, fears and anger, you must think about how you are expressing those thoughts, fears and anger.

For example, if you are experiencing anger because your child refuses to clean their messy bedroom, which method of expression do you think will cause the least amount of anger?

"You make me mad when you ignore me and don't clean your room!"

OR

"When you don't clean your room, I feel angry because I try hard to keep this house clean"

"I" STATEMENTS put the focus on how "I" feel; not on what "YOU" did.

3 PARTS:

When using "I" Statements, the following format is generally most appropriate:

1. When you __________
2. I feel ______________
3. Because _____________
(the focus is on your own feeling.)

Not "you" make/made me __________."

"I" messages will not work if what you really want to do is control the other person's thought, feeling, action!

"I" messages will work when used rightly - to build trust and value for yourself and the other person.